Sarah and Jack have been dating for just over a year, and their relationship has generally been problem-free. In the early stages, Sarah was pleasantly surprised by Jack’s nurturing behavior; it seemed he was constantly surprising her with flowers, picking up her favorite foods on trips to the store, and leaving notes for her to find. More recently though, Sarah has begun to question what drives Jack’s considerate actions. Sarah’s concerns surfaced when she made a New Year’s resolution to lose ten pounds. Over the holidays, she had put on a bit of weight and wasn’t thrilled about it. She expressed this to Jack, letting him know that she would be working hard to watch her diet and would appreciate his support. He agreed, and for the next few days Sarah did her own shopping, prepared meals, and stuck to her plan. Jack even researched and cooked healthy recipes for dinner a few nights. On day 4, Sarah arrived home to find a package of her favorite cookies sitting on the kitchen counter. When she questioned Jack, he became annoyed that she wasn’t more appreciative of his thoughtfulness. He liked how she always made a big deal over his loving

Meet Jim, a 48-year-old father of two. His son and daughter, Jack and Christy, are now in high school. Jim has always had high standards for his children and pushed them to excel academically. While his expectations produced positive results in the past, he now feels extremely challenged by their lack of effort. He hates feeling disappointed and angry with them, but doesn’t know what to do. Jack and Christy are psyched about the freedom that high school affords them. After years of their father breathing down their necks, extracurricular activities finally allow for some autonomy. But without anyone holding them accountable, Christy and Jack are now discovering that it can be difficult to stay on top of everything. School has become more challenging, and they’re finding that it’s easier to accept poor results when you don’t try in the first place. For his part, even though Jim is successful now, he often doesn’t have as much confidence as he would like. This is why he’s gone to such lengths to push his kids; he wants them to know their own potential and be accountable to themselves and their teachers. What Jim’s kids don’t realize is that his controlling behavior with them

Debbie’s daughter, Carrie, is in her second year of high school, and Debbie offered to help organize the school’s annual spring fundraiser. She’s regretting her decision because one of the other mothers, Laura, is a former high school rival, and Debbie is remembering all the times she felt the need to compete with Laura for friends and recognition. Laura’s experience as a part-time event planner makes her better equipped to handle the job at hand; because of Laura’s work connections, it has been easy to book a location, find caterers, and hire entertainment. All of the other volunteers are delighted by how easily the event is coming together, but Debbie is focusing on how little she’s been able to contribute. As Debbie compares herself to Laura, she fears she isn’t measuring up; moreover, she is certain that Laura and the others are judging her harshly. Debbie is frustrated and has decided she hates fundraising. She blames herself for volunteering in the first place, even though she did it so Carrie would feel special. Once again, she has tried so hard to be liked, in hopes that the others will say good things about her. Clinical Considerations: Debbie doesn’t realize how

Max is 36, married, and has a good job in sales. He’s a capable and committed partner to his wife, Kristen, and a likeable friend and coworker to others. Max prides himself on his ability to keep his cool and problem-solve, which he considers among his strongest traits. The only problem is, when Max doesn’t know how to handle a situation or he needs help, he has tremendous trouble asking for assistance. When Max was nine years old, his father walked out on the family, which caused a lot of responsibility to fall onto Max. His mother returned to work, which meant that Max was forced to be entirely self-sufficient very early in his life. He had to rely on his wits because no one else was around to help him at home. His ability to get to the bottom of the problems he faced was essential and most importantly it showed his mother that she could depend on him. Now that Max is older, he’s surrounded by people who would be happy to pitch in, but the years of conditioning are hard to break. He has trouble allowing himself to show any vulnerability, even with his wife. For her

Jessica just graduated from college with a liberal arts degree, but with the economy being so poor, she’s having trouble finding work. So, to tide her over in the meantime, she’s increased her hours at the part-time retail job she’s held since sophomore year…or so she’s told her friends and family. The truth is, Jessica hasn’t even begun to look for a job. In fact, she’s not even sure what she wants to do. She assumed she would ‘figure it out’ over the course of school, but she feels no closer to making a decision now than she did when she started college. Her retail position will allow her to stay afloat for the time being, but she knows that she wants—and others expect—more than it can provide. She’s felt panic building under the surface, because she knows that this is only a temporary solution and she doesn’t know how long she’ll be able to make excuses and hold on. Now, Jessica’s aunt, Grace, has told her about an opportunity. One of her professional contacts is looking to hire for an entry-level role, and he owes Grace a favor. He told her that he’d need to interview Jessica as a

Laurie and John are struggling with how best to discipline their generally well-behaved teenaged son, Sam. They share similar views on parenting except when it comes to discipline. Specifically, they are at odds with each other about grounding Sam. Both John and Laurie’s parents grounded them as adolescents. While John didn’t like being grounded, he appreciates the merit of his parents’ methods now. Laurie’s memories of being grounded remind her how painfully harsh her parents acted by giving the emotional equivalent of bread and water—like jailers. John maintains that grounding Sam allows him the space to ‘recalibrate’ by spending time in a stable, familiar environment. Sure, Sam may resent the temporary loss of freedom and yet the goal, according to John, is to allow Sam the opportunity to reflect on the meaning of his responsibilities and agreements. Laurie understands that misdeeds warrant discipline and even feels that John’s approach makes sense. Laurie’s struggle with setting boundaries is linked to her painful memories of feeling banished by her parents while she served her ‘sentence.’ She hates the thought of cutting off from Sam when he acts up because she doesn’t want him to have to feel as awful about himself as

Chris is in his early 30s. A talented accountant, he’s succeeded in many areas of his life despite a less-than-ideal childhood. His father was a harsh and erratic disciplinarian and the whole family simply endured his volatile moods. Once Chris left for college and was able to distance himself from this unpredictable environment, he started to realize that he had real trouble letting his guard down enough to connect with others. After getting settled in a good job, he decided individual therapy might be beneficial. Therapy really helped him understand how his difficulties at home were complicating his life.  Even though Chris was receptive to new viewpoints and input, he recognized his difficulty in translating them into his relationships with others.  His therapist, Laura, appreciated his commitment and effort in his individual work and believed that interaction with others in group therapy could advance his interpersonal goals.  With this in mind, Laura, who is also a certified group psychotherapist, suggested he consider joining one of her groups. Chris liked the idea of adding group therapy to his work in individual therapy. In group, it wasn’t long before Laura observed how the usually-affable Chris clouded over whenever Joe took the floor.

Kara and Dave came in for a counseling session at his suggestion, just to make sure they were doing okay a little over a year into their marriage. They both described their relationship as being pretty easygoing and conflict-free. Kara said she thinks she is a good wife; she likes supporting Dave, and he likes her pampering attention. He just wishes she would let him pamper her too. They continued to meet with me, and in one of their sessions, Dave expressed concern that Kara doesn’t voice any disagreement with him at all—constructive or not. He told Kara that it’s as if she’s walking on eggshells and wondered if he was doing anything to frighten her. Kara didn’t think so, but did state her focus is on keeping him from getting upset. I wondered if perhaps Kara thought she could prevent upsets between them if she smoothed out any possibility of emotional wrinkles before they even occurred. Yes, she nodded; she does this so Dave will love her. When I followed up with Kara about preventing upsets, she told me that she did this with her mother and how it seemed to make life easier. Dave commented that sometimes his

Kristin is a 29-year old who appears to “have it all”: she is successful at work; she is popular with her colleagues and friends; and she has been with her boyfriend, Josh, for two years and anticipates a marriage proposal soon. Yet, she feels overwhelmed and inundated by the eagerness of her girlfriends, who seem certain about almost everything: when couples get engaged, how much time between the proposal and wedding, when to merge households, what type of wedding, where to honeymoon and so forth. Kristin’s secretly struggling because her preference has always been to accommodate the expectations of others rather than to make her own choices. When she realizes she can’t maintain her “having it all” disguise, she starts avoiding meeting up with her friends. Instead, she goes home most evenings and curls up on the couch with a bottle of wine to relax and calm her nerves. The downside of this was that drinking every evening made her feel sluggish during the day. It wasn’t until her work performance became erratic that she took the initiative to schedule a therapy appointment. Clinical Considerations: For as many individuals who seek therapy to cope with clinical issues, there are also

We met Kara and Dave in the September 2014 blog post. At Dave’s request, they came for a couples session to check on how they were doing as newlyweds and then decided to continue couples therapy to strengthen their relationship. A big issue for Dave was his concern that Kara agreed with whatever he wanted without ever letting him know what she wants. Kara appreciated his honesty; however, she didn’t understand how her desire to please Dave didn’t make him happy. Others like how she attends to them and her mother not only likes it, she expects it, especially during her drinking episodes. It was difficult for Kara to consider the significance of how her mother’s drinking encouraged Kara’s need to please others instead of being fully in relationship with them. At my suggestion, Kara started attending meetings for adult children of alcoholics to better understand her mother’s impact on her behavior. While this was hard work for Kara, she was excited to be growing in her marriage with Dave. All was going well and they both liked feeling closer and safer with each other. Hosting Thanksgiving dinner for both their families seemed a lovely way for them to express

As holiday expectations awaken nostalgic feelings of how life could be and merge with “the stuff that dreams are made of,” disillusionment abounds. The power of these wistful longings can take us by surprise amidst the demands of our busy lives. As seen in the group interactions below, added bumps in the road can impose unsettling ‘shoulds’ that make it difficult to contain disappointment in a season when cheerfulness is the holiday norm. Lauren started the group session by saying she was feeling awkward and embarrassed about an upset that occurred during a phone call with her friend Jake. She reminded the group that she first met Jake when he dated her college roommate. Since they have jobs near each other, they continue to spend a lot of time together even though their friendship is strictly platonic. When Lauren recently called Jake to arrange a holiday get-together, she was shaken when he said he had a date. In group, she mumbled under her breath that she thought she was just being silly. Mike, a long-time group member, was concerned that Lauren was minimizing her feelings and said he wanted to know more about what was upsetting her. The rest of

In 2014, we explored examples of how interpersonal upsets can regularly occur between and among our friends, spouses, family members, in-laws, and co-workers. Although these upsets are something we all experience, we often have no idea how they occur, much less how to untangle them. To start off 2015, we’ll track a single, initial upset to its eventual resolution within a series of four blog posts, focusing on the complexities of each step in the example and how they manifest within one’s own self and among others. Tim and Barb, married for seven years, attended a big party and were looking forward to a fun evening together. As soon as they arrived, Tim started downing cocktails and ended up getting very drunk. Later in the evening, Barb turned a corner only to discover him with his arms around another woman. Feeling completely betrayed and unbelievably angry, she immediately left the party and told Tim not to come home. Over the next few days, horrified by his actions and really frightened by Barb’s anger, Tim begged her to attend a couple’s therapy session in order to hear him out. She finally agreed, and Tim scheduled an appointment. When they arrived at my